The latest chapter of Blue Like Jazz that I read last nigth discussed how we love other people. A conclusion Donald Miller came to was that in the church, people often only show love to those of value to the church - those that offer something in return, or those that conform to their theology. The people who question God, have some doubts of their faith, look strange, or don't "serve the church" are often pushed to the doorways, talked about, or outright told they don't fit in.

These are my impressions and interpretations of his chapter, not verbatim, but still, as I have examined how I feel and fit in with the church we've been attending, I am seeing some similarilties. Though we have been attending for nearly 9 months, people still think we are brand new. We stand there during "welcoming time" alone because we still don't know more than 10 people. I have yet to speak with the pastor. He called my cell once a week after we filled out the visitor card saying we were looking for a new church, but didn't leave a message. I called back because I recognized it was the church's number. No return call.

I am starting to see that if we want to be "welcomed", we need to be active in that welcome time or volunteer for something. But the problem is that neither of us feel any ownership or membership in this church. And at this point now, I don't know if I want to feel any ownership or be a member. As I said last time, I miss worship a lot. I feel a great deal of emptiness because I have not had the mystical and spiritual experience of worship in a very long time. My head has been filled to the brim, but my spirit is empty. I bought into the idea of the current church that filling the heart through the head made sense. But as I really begin to see how God made me, in his spiritual image, I am starting to understand that the "head through the heart" idea is really a way for me to talk a good game, but not live it.

I don't mean to say that everyone (or the pastor) in the church is doing that, but for me, that is how it is. A* will tell you that when I want to, I can talk a great game with anyone: make an argument, convince you that I believe something, or stick to my guns. But she will also tell you that I am full of shit, that I'm really showing you the real me when I am emotional, unprepared, and vulnerable. And when I am worshiping, I can feel God cleaning up the crap I'm bringing in and making more room for the Spirit to help me follow Jesus. He is accepting me as I am, dirty, sinful, and weak. I cannot return this love equally, of course. But hopefully I will lean of his acceptance of me to love others the same way.

A* and I decided to skip church and small group this week... church because we were exhausted and small group because as we were going over the material to prepare, we were getting more and more frustrated with it. It is very academic and not something that either of us feel is helping our faith. But I wanted to skip church also because I am getting very lonely without worship.

My heart longs for a community of worship, people who don't just sing songs as a liturgical response. Rather:
people who lift their hearts out and up to God - seeking his face to shine down on us;
people who slump down on their knees in weakness - seeking his arms to lift us up;
people who pour their sinfulness out onto the floor - seeking to be washed by his mercy.

Ironically, I look back at 1BiGsnafu (eh, 1BiGcanoe) and realize that though I had some personal issues ongoing with people there, I still came back to worship. I still belonged to a community of worship. I was able to be free among the people, like those listed above. That time was a novelty, rare among the churches we have gone to. Even though we stayed at one of the founding churches after 1BiGcanoe (1Bc) fell apart, it wasn't the same.

I am really starting to feel afraid that I will never be a part of a group of believers who desire to worship as I do. I fear that as we start a family, our children may never be able to experience the God we have experienced in a community like that. When I grew up, I hated going to church. It was so boring, and I felt nothing but pressure to follow as my family did. In high school, our youth group starting to worship in a new way - the beginning of the awakening of my worshipful soul. I desired that more. My school had a fellowship where we would worship. When I got to college, I sought out the group that fit that mold - which was really beyond my expectations. Then after college, 1Bc started for a couple years. My soul was alive in the midst of a worshipful community. Since then, though, my soul has been searching for a new community to join in worship. I am praying we find one soon.

I can't take this spiritual lonliness much longer.

How do I return to my foundation - the place where I find the source of my life? My life is shaken in the loss of worhsip, the loss of a connection to Jesus. I am becoming sick and depressed of how I've been feeling, acting, and believing. I'm selfish, self-centered, and egotistical. I think of myself, how I should react, feel, talk, and how it will affect me. When I'm with A*, however, I think I'm the least selfish - most of the time. But I'm sure I'm still selfish even with her.

I used to hear God on a regular basis. I used to desire more and more. Don't get me wrong, I still desire, but nowadays I just want morsels to start with. But it has to include spiritual worship. Not heady worship, not even wordy worship, but true spiritual worship. A community of people desiring to be in the presence of God.

The next chapter of Blue Like Jazz is called "Church - How I go without getting angry". I need to read that because I haven't been to church in a while when I've felt not angry with church. I hope it helps me - but I'm starting to believe that I will also need to find a church that has the worship I described above. I guess we'll see...

I came home very depressed last night after class. It was the third consecutive lecture that I followed absolutely nothing in. I felt so stupid: stupid for not understanding the mathematical theory, stupid for not being able to follow, stupid for expecting this class to be something other than what it has been. I am so close to finishing my degree - the two classes this semester and finishing my thesis. It should be possible, with some transitioning of my thesis, to complete it all by the end of the summer. But after last night I really felt like I would have to drop this one class.

I did email the prof and she has encouraged me to hold on, that improvements were coming in the lectures. She confirmed that as a masters student I am not expected to know what has been covered recently, but it is very frustrating to try to figure out when I should listen and when I should realize the material isn't for me. When I responded to my prof I detailed exactly why I signed up for the course (trying to find another perspective on solving my real job budget problems with a new system of analysis). Hopefully that will help shape her lectures to more applicable (rather than theoretical) information.

But more generally, I am finding that I have become more down about work and class. I don't know if my interest level has become lower or if outside personal distractions (house, baby, etc) are more exciting. Well, of course they are. But I was hoping that would make me more happy overall rather than a night/day feeling that I have now. But what I think I'm being reminded of is that my overall happiness or contentness is not going to rooted in any of these things. And I know that - and I miss that my foundation of worship is being covered over by distractions.

It's been too long since I journaled. I knew that eventually I lose traction, but not during this exciting time in our lives. My emotions today are all messed up. I am trying to be strong for A*, relax a little, and revel in the marvels of new creation, but we also have a reason for some concern.

A* found some spotting twice now. The first time scared us both. But we got some reassurance from a friend. Today she had an internal ultrasound. It was remarkable - we actually got to see the heart beating! It was so tiny, but very clearly beating. Amazing that at the end of 6 weeks we could see that! Then the doctor also showed us some blood in her uterus and the placenta not being fully attached. The doctor said it is quite common and should heal itself, but A* has to take it very easy for a couple weeks. The doctor said that after the 9-10 week mark, she should be in the clear.

I don't want to have fears throughout this pregnancy. I want to revel in the joy, anticipation, and preparation. I want to be proud of our love for each other, the creation God has made, and future of our family. I don't want to be scared; I don't want to be worriedl; I don't feeling anything negative. I want us to looking forward, preparing to move, ready to become the best parents God helps us to be.

Right now, I'm trying to catch my emotional breath. God has brought us this far, I do trust that he is going to take us the rest of the way.

Our house is on the market. It's crazy. So far, we've had 10 requests to see it from yesterday through tomorrow. No offers, yet, but we are really hoping at least one comes in before Sunday. It just adds to the anxiety that I already feel. Hopefully by Sunday it can all be over - with a Steelers victory in the Super Bowl and an offer we can accept on our house.

Yesterday, I got an email about some people in my past that I haven't thought about in a long time. It brought up a lot of very different emotions inside. I wrote this about it...

A name from old comes through the air;
my mind pulses through the memories:
joy, friendship, sorrow, absense,
faded and clouded by time.
My heart reaches out on instinct,
my head slow its pace -
the distance is too far to overcome.
I'm left to wonder - what if's, what is, what happened,
questions with answers too vast, too late?